


I Want a Long Life (All Kidding Aside)

by Doughnuts_wilderness



Series: Post Tartarus PTSD & Recovery [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Annabeth Chase Has PTSD, Camp Half-Blood (Percy Jackson), Camp Jupiter (Percy Jackson), Depression, F/M, Gen, New Rome (Percy Jackson), PTSD, Percy Jackson has PTSD, Percy Jackson has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Percy goes to therapy, Post-Tartarus (Percy Jackson), percy jackson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:40:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26581564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doughnuts_wilderness/pseuds/Doughnuts_wilderness
Summary: "What do you want Percy?"Percy tried not to show it, but he had felt like a dead man walking. One does not survive two great prophecies, it just does not happen. Then Tartarus. Gods, Tartarus. That entire place was build to destroy beings like him. Yet he survived, they both had."I don't know. I've never had the luxury of dreaming of my future."----Percy goes to some much-needed therapy and finds himself having to think about what he wants, what home means to him, and what life after war looks like. Can Percy even live life without waiting for another war to be sprung on him? Can he find a future and life without a sword in hand?(Can be read alone or after "My Mind Is A Deadly Disease" the other work in this 'series')
Relationships: Annabeth Chase & Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase/Percy Jackson
Series: Post Tartarus PTSD & Recovery [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933504
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	1. I (don't) Know What I want

**Author's Note:**

> The title and the opening quote is from "Down to the Second" - Zack Berkman
> 
> This can either be read alone or after my other work, "My Mind Is A Deadly Disease." 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, I kinda just decided to write it last night? I've been considering it, but I got a random spurt of inspiration late last night so I went for it.

* * *

_“I know what I want, I want a long life all kidding aside”_

_“I want my girl in my arms when I sleep”_

* * *

“What do you want Percy?”

This question felt like it had slapped him in the face. Percy found himself staring out the window behind his therapist like he so often did. It isn’t like Dr. Schmidt could really blame him. Set an ADHD guy in front of a giant glass window looking out at New York City? Like Percy would not look, especially when he didn’t want to acknowledge a question. 

What did he want? Well, right now Percy wanted to leave this session, get a hot dog, and go home. He knew that was not the answer Jay was looking for. However, Percy wasn’t quite prepared to give another answer. 

“A hot dog would be great.” 

The therapist graciously offered a small smile in response, yet it was obvious that the answer would not appease him. 

“How about long term? What goals do you have? Dreams?”

Percy had known what Jay had meant. He just didn’t feel like he could process the question properly. You see, Percy had never thought he would live very long. Before he knew he was a demigod, he knew something was different about him. After he found out? Well, Camp Half-Blood did not have an amazing record of demigods surviving into adulthood. Then he was listed in the great prophecy, and well…Percy had assumed he’d die at 16. Most people thought he’d die at or before 16. Then he survived and Percy almost let himself think about the future, the keyword being almost. 

Then one day he woke up with no memory of who he was. Percy found himself part of yet another great prophecy, and he had known his chances were slim. Percy tried not to show it, but he had felt like a dead man walking. One does not survive two great prophecies, it just does not happen. Then Tartarus. Gods, Tartarus. That entire place was build to destroy beings like him. Yet he survived, they both had. 

Percy was not stupid, he knew he had used a lot of luck. There was no logical explanation for why he was still alive. All Percy had done was survive. His whole life Percy fought tooth and nail to just live. So much so that he had exhausted himself to the point where it had felt easier to die.

Hence why Percy was in therapy. 

“I don’t know. I’ve never had the luxury of dreaming about my future.”

That wasn’t entirely true. There had been onetime. When he told Annabeth that they could have a future in New Rome together. Percy was afraid that if he said it out loud it would get ruined like so many things in his life had. Maybe if he kept it locked away inside, nothing would happen to the sliver of a dream. 

Jay nodded his head slowly. “That is understandable, many demigods have felt similarly.” 

The son of Apollo paused for a moment before continuing carefully, “I wonder if you were to allow yourself to consider a future, what you would come up with? I believe that under the fear and acceptance of your situation as you see it, you have something you truly want.” 

Percy sighed slowly. Schmidt was good, he’d give him that. Percy had hoped he would have accepted his answer and just tell him that it was okay to dream or some crap like that. Yet here he was, trying to make Percy dig deep. 

“I want…”

Percy trailed off. He had spent years purposely not allowing himself to look past his next battle, protecting himself and preparing for a sharp knife to the chest, or claw to the back, waiting for the blow that would end him. How was he supposed to just suddenly talk about his future? Hopes and dreams and all that shit. 

“Umm.,” Percy said, feeling tears prickling behind his eyes but he forced himself to keep them there. 

“I guess I want peace. I don’t want to have to fight anymore, I know that’s stupid because I’m always going to have to-”

“It’s not stupid.” Dr. Schmidt interrupted. 

“What?”

“It is not stupid to want peace, Percy. It is normal to want normalcy and a rest. You should not call desires like this stupid. They may not always seem attainable but wanting them is not bad.”

Percy nodded slightly, allowing himself to think about that. He had always felt like any ideas he had were stupid, especially when it came to things like this. _Stupid little demigod_ , he could hear the fates saying, _thinking he will ever get to rest._

“I guess I want to be with Annabeth. I can’t see much of a future for myself, but I know if I have one she will be there. I have no future without her, I love her so much and I want a future with her.”

Percy hesitated, but when Jay did not say anything he continued. “When I saw New Rome...they actually have old demigods and legacies and most of them live to be adults. I wanted that, but it felt like something I couldn’t have. It was like how I would feel when I saw mortal teenagers, something so close but unattainable for me. I was looking at New Rome, something I could have if I wasn’t Greek and the back of my head was telling me that greek demigods don’t get that. Especially not sons of Poseidon.”

Jay smiled and nodded his head. “This is good Percy. You are letting yourself actually think about some things you want to do, not just things you have to do for someone else or for your survival.”

He wrote something down on his notepad before looking back at Percy. 

“Why don’t you go to New Rome?”

Percy just stared on Schmidt for a moment, of course, it seemed like a simple answer but he could not just-he could not more to New Rome. Could he?

“I’ve heard the camps are trying to be more open with each other. You have mentioned that after your time at Camp Jupiter that you were always welcome there. After everything you did to save the world, I do not see why you would not be allowed there?” 

Percy felt like his brain was short-circuiting. Because yes, he could. But no, he could not. Technically they would welcome him. However, his whole life was in New York. Percy had mentioned New Rome to Annabeth but it never seemed like a real option. 

“I can’t...Camp Half-Blood needs me.”

“Do they? Is there a disaster happening that I was not aware of?”

“No..”

“So can’t they survive on their own? They have for ages, surely they could do it again?”

Percy felt his heart beating fast in his chest, he was not sure if he was nervous or excited. 

“Yes.”

“So what is the real reason that is stopping you from going?”

Percy took a deep breath as he tried to contemplate this. His brain was going a mile a minute, unable to land on a single thought. The answer was that he was afraid. He was afraid because it was something so mundane. Mundane things were never in his realm of possibility. Percy never got to consider mundane things, to live a normal life. How was he supposed to think he could just move to New Rome? His life consisted of Camp Half-Blood and visiting his Mom in Manhattan. He lived and breathed Camp Half-Blood, the only place that accepted him in his entire life. The place where he was supposed to live out the rest of his short life. Moving to New Rome was saying that he thought he had a future. That his destiny was to live longer, to achieve more than just fighting monsters. New Rome was an education, New Rome was having a family with Annabeth, New Rome was….New Rome was the light at the end of the pier. The thing he could only ever watch others have.

Yet here was Dr. Schmidt, telling Percy that he could move to New Rome. 

“I ah-well Annabeth-”

“You don’t know she would say no.”

“Why would she say yes?”

“Have you thought that maybe she wants a calm life as well? She has lived at Camp Half-Blood since she was a small child. Maybe she wants to settle down as well? Get an education and see what New Rome has to offer?”

Percy nodded a bit “She had mentioned wanting to connect with her half brothers, they are getting older and she is sad that she missed out on a lot of their childhood. New Rome is certainly closer to them…”

“I can’t speak for her, and neither can you. But it never hurts to ask. You mentioned that you felt your communication has gotten worse after Tartarus.” Percy was proud that he did not flinch at the word. “Opening up and asking her would be a good step in communicating more.”

Percy nodded again, he knew these were things he and Annabeth should talk about. 

“Even if she says no, that does not mean you have no future. New Rome is not the only answer, it is just one. However, acknowledging the things you want is a great step, Percy. You are searching for a home, but home is not always a physical thing. You are looking to build a home, a place for your soul to rest. That can be anywhere.” 

Percy watched as a pigeon landed on the ledge outside the window behind Jay. Percy wondered if California had pigeons. He figured they did, but they had to be different than the New York City ones. 

“All I ask is you think about talking to her about it.”

“Okay, I’ll think about it.” 

  
  



	2. Take Me Home (Cause I'm Far Away)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and quote are also from song "Down to the Second" - Zach Berkman  
> Please read the note at the end of the chapter. <3

* * *

_ "Take me home 'cause I'm far away." _

* * *

Percy was not sure why he hesitated to speak to Annabeth. He loved her, gods; she was the person he wanted to share his whole life with. They had literally been through hell together, so was it hard just to bring up the idea of New Rome? It was not Annabeth; it was not that he did not trust her. He knew she was not the cause of his anxiety regarding this conversation.

Percy felt almost comforted by the rocking of the subway car, having grown up in New York City, it was a sensation he was familiar with. It allowed him to think for once. Sure, it felt like recently that's all he had been doing, but this was a different kind of thinking. This did not require the exhaustion of trying to put his thought to words for his therapist. Not to say the therapy was bad; it was helpful. Percy hadn't...well, he hadn't tried to passively kill himself, nor has he seriously thought about it in a while. They had worked through the differences between risks he had to take as a demigod, and the risks he took because he did not care if he died. Percy was slowly learning the difference. Being a demigod made it hard to differentiate, he had to take risks; he had to throw himself in harm's way. 

So yeah. Talking with Dr. Schmidt has been helpful; there were things he had never even realized were an issue that he was coming aware of. That's just one thing he had helped Percy with. However, talking with a therapist could be exhausting. It takes so much mentally and emotionally.

Sitting on the subway, with the occasional squeaking of the subway cars, the people asking for money, and the kid chattering with his mom? This was like the city's lullaby, the hymn of New York City. The city was full of its own unique songs that people who had lived here their whole lives find comforting. This was one of those songs that allowed Percy to be alone with himself, to honestly think without any outside expectations of what he may find. No gods, demigods, nothing. Just himself. 

Percy knew this idea of New Rome was a possible avenue to having a life with Annabeth, to finding a way to rest together. Taking a step away from Camp Half-Blood in a safe environment like New Rome could help them find out who they were together. They could find a home together. 

In his current situation, Percy felt distant. He felt like he was on the Argo II just wanting to go home. Percy remembered how he felt when they escaped Tartarus, sitting on the Argo and just internally begging to go  _ home.  _ He was home now, he was in New York, but he still felt far away. Because now he was physically home, but his soul had not found a place to rest yet. Maybe it was because Percy was afraid to let it. 

Just like he told his therapist, Percy was afraid to want anything. He did not want to mess up what he had. Percy was physically home. He was alive, and so was Annabeth. He feared that if he tried to rock the boat, it would flip. He did not want to risk asking, "what is home to me." in fear that he might lose it. 

Percy stood and exited the subway when it stopped at his station. After the war, Percy and Annabeth had spent some time in Camp Half-Blood, but after a while, it was clear that they needed to find their own place. After Percy's mental breakdown, they decided it could be good to get away from camp. They pulled some strings, the gods owed them and were able to get an apartment in Manhattan. It was good for Annabeth as she needed to be close to Olympus as she was in the final stages of designing it for them. A win-win. 

Percy closed the door to their apartment behind him, tossing the keys on the table in the entrance. He knew where Annabeth would be; she'd be at the drafting table by the window. Yes, Percy knew what a drafting table was. If architecture was important to Annabeth, then it was important to him. He loved what she loved, and Annabeth loved architecture. When they were little and hadn't started dating yet (Percy loved her, but he hadn't realized it yet), Percy had bought a book on architecture. He wanted to understand what she was talking about.

When he was growing up, his mom loved the Phantom of the Opera. Percy would listen to the CD with her over and over. It was not music he would have ever heard to on his own, but the look on his mother's face when she listened to it was enough for Percy. Last year, Percy had saved up some money and surprised his mom by taking her to see Phantom on broadway. Some of his best memories are of them singing as loud as they can to Phantom. When he was little, Percy would sing the female parts, but as his voice deepened, he switched to the male parts, and his mom took over the female notes. 

Percy loved the things that made his loved ones happy. He may not be an Architecture expert, but he loved it when Annabeth talked to him about it. He had picked up enough from her to discuss it and point out buildings he found interesting.  When Percy turned the corner, he found Annabeth where he knew she would be, sitting at her drafting table. Her hair was in a messy ponytail with straw curls dropping into her face. Her nose was scrunched up as she concentrated on her work, papers sprawled over the desk. 

If you were to ask Annabeth when she looked most beautiful, she would say...okay well, she would roll her eyes and not answer you. However, if you could coax an answer out of her, she'd probably saw when she dressed up nice for a fancy dinner or something. Percy would disagree. Not to say she was not incredibly beautiful when dressed up. But the girl sitting in front of him right now was who he fell in love with. Sitting with her messy hair, full concentration, that's who 12-year-old Percy had been terrified of and unexplainably drawn to. 

This was home. He did not have to think about it, seeing Annabeth seemed to answer all the questions he was asking himself on the way home. Annabeth was home. 

"Hey" Annabeth said, glancing up at him briefly before looking back at her papers. 

"Hey, Beth."

Percy sat on the couch near where her desk was. He was not sure why he had been so afraid of this conversation. Now that he was with Annabeth, he knew there was nothing to be afraid of. No matter what she said, he knew they would work something out. 

"What do you want, Annabeth?" He asked suddenly.

"uhh..I want to get this damn Apollo temple to have enough natural light. It needs to remind you of the sun god, you know?"

Percy could not help but smile in response. 

"yeah, I do. But I mean like...what do you really want?" 

Annabeth glanced up at him, and she seemed to search his face for a moment before asking,

"Concerning what?"

"Your life in general. Your future."

Her eyebrows raised slightly.

"Sounds like someone went to therapy today." She joked.

Typical demigod response. Joke and deflect was often the instant reaction for stuff like this. Percy would always answer, "Bold of you to assume I live to see next week." However, that joke was received poorly these days due to his depression and PTSD.  Annabeth set her pencil down and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Percy watched her as she was clearly coming up with an answer. He was in no rush. He did not want to push her in any way. 

"I guess...I want to be happy. I want to be with you, obviously, and-"

She sighed slightly before continuing.

"I want to feel secure. I've never had a home or a family I could trust. My Dad and then Luke and- well. It's no secret I have a hard time trusting people. I don't have to feel that way with you, but I've felt homeless my whole life, and it is hard to change my mentality. I love you, and I want to always love you." 

Percy knew she loved him, but it made him feel warm inside to hear these words. He knew Annabeth has dealt with a lot of abandonment issues as well as PTSD. She had also been going to therapy, and being open and sure was a big deal. It was hard for Annabeth to open up and allow herself to be in that vulnerable space that is letting someone know your thoughts and feelings. Freely speaking with Percy was intentional; it was a sign of trust and not something she did with everyone.

"I love you too 'Beth."

She smiled in response, "I know, seaweed brain."

"What if...what if we went to New Rome?"

"what?"

"well, I've been thinking. You are my home Annabeth. You are the place my soul finds rest. I was thinking...we could go to New Rome. We would not have to worry about monsters and we could figure out who we are together, without the pressures of" He gestured his hand vaguely, "We could go to college there and have enough peace to find home in each other." 

Percy knew he was rambling but he was afraid he was not wording this correctly; sometimes he did not make sense when he spoke and-

"Yes."

"Wait, what?" Percy asked.

"I said yes, seaweed brain. I'm almost done with my work on Olympus. When I finish...I see no harm in going to New Rome. Even if Romans kinda suck." She said the last part jokingly. 

Percy stood up from where he sat on the couch. "Really? No questions or-"

"Percy. I think a break would be great. Nothing is permanent; we can take it step by step. We've been slowly distancing from Camp Half-Blood recently anyways. It has been good for us to take a break."

Percy couldn't help it; He ran over and swept Annabeth into a hug, causing her to laugh. 

"Don't knock my stuff over!" She said between laughs, hugging him back.

Percy solved that problem by picking her up and collapsing onto the couch with her in his arms. 

"You know I would have been okay if you said no, right?" He asked before kissing her cheek.

"Yes, but I have been thinking about this too."

"Oh yeah?" 

Somehow, they were often on the same wavelength. Percy should have known she was thinking of the future; of course, she was. She had mentioned a few weeks ago, wanting to connect with her Dad and brothers. Now he knew she had been thinking of New Rome as well, not just iris messaging them on occasion. 

"Yup. Guess I'm still a Californian." She responded before pulling Percy in for a proper kiss.

Percy knew that New York, California, or anywhere in between, they would be okay. Because he knew what he wanted, he wanted a long and happy life with Annabeth. The woman who held his heart, who made him feel like he was home. The one who could bring Percy home was in his arms, and he knew that she would always out a rope and pull him to shore. Likewise, he would never leave her; he would keep her warm and give her a place to let her guard down. This whole time he had not allowed himself to settle, to go home. He had been searching for so long, not realizing that his fear was the thing keeping him from realizing where the key was.

They were home. Things would be okay, as long as they were together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Please don't think Annabeth magically got to this point regarding her abandonment issues and PTSD. I plan on writing a story about her struggles, therapy etc. Her taking this step also is a result of a lot of work. But since this is Percy's POV it is focusing more on his side of things. So keep an eye out for that Annabeth story, I'm not sure when it will come, but I am brainstorming it big time right now, I just want to do her justice. 
> 
> As usual, I LOVE comments, I love hearing your thoughts or opinions and feedback! Especially since I wrote this instead of studying for my exam at University, so I feel you owe me a comment lol 😂😉

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for more! I am sorry this chapter is a bit short, but I hope you enjoyed it anyways. I thrive off of comments, so those would be greatly appreciated! I'd love to hear your thoughts, it helps me feel like I'm not just posting to the void haha.


End file.
